Understanding the Different Types of Boundaries in Relationships and Life & How to Establish Them

Boundaries, Boundaries, Boundaries, everyone talks about them, but did you know there are different types? Let's talk about the various types and why they are essential for our relationships and well-being. Often, when boundaries are discussed, it's because someone has reached their limit and is finally asserting themselves. However, this isn't the only type of boundary. There are also more flexible ways to communicate our needs and desires to achieve what we want.

If you struggle with people-pleasing or want to communicate better, let's explore how setting boundaries can improve your life and relationships.

Couple making a heart with their hands

There are various categories of boundaries. Depending on your situation and how you want to establish your boundaries, consider the category to help you develop them.

Physical Boundaries: These boundaries protect personal touch, space, contact comfort, physical needs, and privacy.

Emotional Boundaries: Boundaries that protect our emotional well-being from ourselves and others.

Intellectual Boundaries: These boundaries protect our thoughts, beliefs, and ideals from being disrespected or belittled. 

Time Boundaries: Boundaries that protect our time spent, routines, schedules, and where our energy is being utilized.

Material Boundaries: Protects possessions, finances, and resources that ensure these things are not being used in ways that do not align with your needs and wants.

Sexual Boundaries: Relate to sexual consent, sexual preferences, and desires to ensure that everyone feels safe and respected.

Workplace Boundaries: This entails your role and how your time is being utilized, ensuring clarity about your function and responsibilities.

Communication Boundaries: Sets limits on your communication and others and helps to guide what is acceptable.

Digital Boundaries: Set limits related to the use of electronics, social media, and online content, setting the tone for what is acceptable and unacceptable.

Spiritual Boundaries: Protects your spirituality and beliefs to support feelings of respect and safety,

Now that we have an understanding of boundary categories, let's take a look at unhealthy boundaries and what they are not.

Rigid Boundaries: These boundaries are those that have high standards or strict expectations. These boundaries are typically physical and emotional, and keep people at a distance out of fear or fear of rejection. They are also unwilling to compromise and often seek to control others.

Examples:

-Cancelling plans and refusing to participate if someone is running late despite communication or within a 5-minute window.

-Unwillingness to discuss topics regarding intimacy or personal information with a romantic partner.

-Unwilling to accept help or support from others out of fear they will do it incorrectly or not to their satisfaction

Porous Boundaries: Boundaries that are constantly being broken with no follow-through. People who have porous boundaries struggle to say no and often put others' needs and desires before their own, despite the consequences. They fear being disliked, and this often leads to burnout and overwhelms them easily.

Examples:

-Working past scheduled or contracted hours, sacrificing their personal and familial needs and obligations for the sake of not wanting to upset others. 

-Continually breaking up with or threatening to break up with a romantic partner and then pretending nothing happened or taking that person back after setting the boundary.

-Allowing someone to continue mistreating, touching, yelling, hurting you physically and emotionally, etc, despite your hurt and upset.

Enmeshed/Diffused Boundaries: Rules, expectations, and relational frameworks that are unclear and blur the sense of identity and autonomy.

Examples:

-Having difficulty making a decision without another person's input or consent.

-Other individuals are involved in intimate details and decisions regarding your intimate relationship.

-Being unsure of the things you like, how you feel, and what to do when alone or without the input of another.

Disengaged Boundaries: Disconnected or loose rules, expectations, and relational frameworks where individuals are overly autonomous and do not connect or consult with one another, but are related or connected in some way.

Example:

-Family members (partners, parents, and children) do not discuss or consult with one another about daily activities or decisions. They have infrequent and superficial conversations and avoid intense or emotional topics.

-Co-workers and colleagues do not discuss or communicate the planning of projects or work together; each person has their own role and only sticks to their duties.

-An Individual who does not share their thoughts, feelings, or opinions on things that would be expected within that relational context and avoids or shuts down conversations and topics that imply or probe these areas.

Healthy boundaries do not aim to control or gain power over others. While boundaries may influence someone to change, their primary purpose is to protect the individual and clearly communicate what is acceptable and what is not. When we establish healthy boundaries, we protect ourselves and enable others to make informed decisions about their behaviors and the consequences, whether positive or negative, that will follow. This practice provides individuals with valuable information about one another, helping to form stronger and more clearly defined relationships while fostering autonomy and respect for each other’s choices.

There are 2 Healthy Boundary types:

Firm Boundaries: Firm boundaries are what most people typically discuss when the topic of boundaries arises. These boundaries enable individuals to communicate assertively about what is and is not acceptable to them, as well as to outline the consequences if those boundaries are crossed. It is crucial to follow through on firm boundaries; if they are not enforced, you may end up with porous boundaries, which can negatively affect how others perceive and interact with you. It is important to establish and maintain firm boundaries solely for the purpose of protection and well-being. When firm boundaries are used to manipulate and control others, they become manipulative and abusive. It is also important that the last part of your boundary details what you will do if the event occurs, NOT what the other person should do.

How to set up Firm Boundaries:

Anchors: "When you....../If that happens.... I will......"

Examples:

-"If you keep yelling at me, I will hang up."

-"If Sarah is there, I will leave."

-"When you come home past curfew, I will lock the door."

-"If Saturday is cancelled, I will do something on my own."

Many people struggle to establish and maintain healthy boundaries due to dysfunctional family dynamics, negative partner experiences, power and control imbalances, codependency, and poor self-esteem. In this case, or for whatever reason, firm boundaries may be too much of a challenge or overwhelming or may not need to be so strong. In this case, let's look at our next type of Healthy Boundary.

Flexible Boundaries: These boundaries involve compromise and negotiation. Flexible boundaries enable you to recognize values that may be challenged while allowing for restoration in that area afterward. They help individuals progress toward establishing firm boundaries while considering both their own needs and the needs of others. It's all about finding balance and making compromises!

How to set up Flexible Boundaries:

Anchors: "If I ........, Then I/you......."

Examples:

-"If I work late at work today, then I will need to clock out early tomorrow."

-"Yes, if I let you borrow my car, then I will expect the gas tank to be full when you return it."

-"If I try this with you, then you need to do this with me."

-"If I work on this project, then you will need to pick up this report."

Don't be discouraged if you get pushback on a flexible boundary; remember, this gives you information about this person and how they see your relationship. You always have the power to go to a firm boundary or renegotiate what you will need in return.

Healthy boundaries are essential for relational health because they allow both individuals to communicate their needs, values, and comfort level. Boundaries will also give you a better idea of your relationship and how others see you and function within the relationship. Don't get discouraged if you don't get it right the first time! This is a skill that involves practice! Though you deserve to have healthy and fulfilled relationships, no matter the dynamic!

Until Next Time,

Courtney Gossel, MA, MFT, LCDCIII, Life Coach