4 Ways to Save your Relationship from an Apocalypse

 Everyone has something to say when seeking advice and support for your relationships. The majority of the time, this advice is about what works for that person's relationship, and it doesn't quench that thirst of yours. 

Being mindful about where we are getting our advice is essential. There seem to be many "Coaches and Experts" about relationships on social media. Where do they get their information, and what is their background? These are all things to consider when taking advice about OUR OWN relationships. Every relationship is unique and may vary in small or big ways. Let's look at what experienced and credentialed relational therapists say about this. 

Dr. John Gottman, a world-renowned relational psychologist, believed in the Science of Love ("Principia Amoris: The New Science of Love"). His studies about relationships could be replicated and proven by several other psychologists who had these same questions. 

Dr. Gottman identified "4 Horsemen" that can signal the end and the antidotes to save your relationship.

1. Criticism 

When your partner verbally attacks your character, personality, traits, and what makes you, you. This can make you feel awful, disconnected, and unheard. Criticism is different from helpful feedback; this attacks who you are and how you show up in the relationship. 

Example: "You never talk to me before making decisions; you never think of me and are so selfish!"

Antidote: "Gentle Start-Up" (I Statements)

If you find yourself in a pattern of criticism, there are things you and your partner can do to help eliminate this enemy.  Healthy communication is essential for you and your partner on the same team. "I" Statements are significant in positive and effective communication during conflict. 

2. Contempt

When your partner meets you with coldness and callousness, you may be experiencing contempt. Contempt is the evolution of unchecked resentment; your partner may not take things you say seriously. They roll their eyes, use sarcasm, and mock you. 

Example: "It's pathetic how you can't do anything without me! You always do things wrong. Oh my god, now you're crying. Wow!" rolls eyes and leaves the room

Dr. Gottman cites this as the most severe horsemen because it means to make the partner emotionally hurt. 

Antidote: Appreciation

When addressing contempt in a relationship, integrating appreciation will take a team effort. The couple needs to return to their roots and shed light on what they do well and admire about each other. A guiding tool in these instances would be the 5:1 ratio. For every 1 negative interaction, 5 positives must be made to neutralize it. 

3. Defensiveness

We've all been on the receiving end of positive feedback and criticism. It can be challenging to not become defensive. However, we can victimize ourselves when constantly trying to get our partner to ease up on their feedback. 

Example: "I am sorry I upset you. I am so busy, do so much, and say the wrong things because I am always stressed."

Antidote: Take Responsibility 

Healthy relationships are those where both partners take accountability. The goal here is to take in your partner's feedback constructively. This can be challenging, but it can make your partner feel heard and deepen the connection. It is important to address THEIR FEELINGS rather than why YOU feel bad. Reflective listening or summarizing your partner's feedback is helpful during this time. 

4. Stonewalling

Rather than address issues, this partner withdraws into themselves, creating distance in the relationship. They may not acknowledge your attempts for conversation and connection. They may be distracted or busy themselves, ignoring the elephant in the room. This happens and becomes a habit when a partner feels overwhelmed with emotion and unable to address the issue rationally. 

Antidote: Self- Soothing

When we get to a point in conflict where we feel like stonewalling. Communicate with your partner you want a break. The primary issue with stonewalling is the need for more communication with the partner. When we can healthily express our need for soothing to our partner, it is received much better. Both partners should respect the need for a break in the conversation and set a time to return to the issue. The time limit for the conversation break should be at least 20 minutes but no longer than 24 hours. 

 Healing and improving relationships are a team effort. If you find one of these horsemen in your relationship, try these antidotes. Relationships are as unique as those involved and may require a different approach. Professional support is always available and may help you create solutions that better fit your relationship's needs. Check out psychologytoday.com to find a therapist near you. 

Wishing you health and happiness. I'll talk to you later. 

Courtney Gossel, MA, MFT, LCDCIII