3 Stages of Love that movies and social media never showed us

 Disney lied to us. As an older millennial, I grew up on the stories of Cinderella, Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, and Pocahontas, to name a few. These stories are nothing like some of the improved narratives we see today with Frozen, Brave, and Moana, which present a strong female lead that focuses on self-growth and independence. 

The Disney stories I grew up with convinced me that after I got through the difficult parts of finding my dream partner and establishing a relationship status with them, I would live happily ever after. The pictures I saw others posting about their relationship looked so seamless and natural. I was not prepared for life after the honeymoon stage and highlight reel. And boy, did I stumble. 

Zooming out, we don't realize how much movies and social media have impacted our ideals of love, especially as children, teens, and young adults. The constant rush of excitement, infatuation, and drama we see encompass movie relationships, is not the entire picture; however, this is the first stage. 

John Gottman, the founder of the Gottman Method, discovered and researched the natural life course of relationships and can shed light on what you may be experiencing after 'happily ever after."

Stage 1: The Honeymoon Stage (Limerence) 

We all fantasize about this stage when thinking about our future partner. This also is the stage that makes for famous movies and stories. John Gottman named this stage Limerence, better known as the Honeymoon stage of relationships. During this love stage, we experience a rush of hormones and chemicals that make us feel good, excited, infatuated, loved, and all of the above! The phrase "love conquers all" comes to mind when thinking about this stage.

 This stage can last up to 3 years and can be a fast or slow burn. When people reach the end of this stage, they often think they are falling out of love and believe it may be time to move on. However, this may not be the case; it may mean that the love you are experiencing is maturing into the second stage of your relationship. 

Stage 2: Building Trust 

During this stage, you may question, "Can this love conquer all?" When building trust, couples find themselves in arguments the most. Where quirky or unique traits of your partner were something you admired, they have now become an annoyance and have invited uncertainty about the survival of your commitment. Most noticeably, this stage rarely makes it into the movies or TV series. However, a healthy relationship does not skip this stage. 

This stage is crucial to developing the trust and independence of each partner in the relationship. It is at this stage the course of the relationship can be set. This is undoubtedly one of the most challenging times because it is meant to build trust, and of course, anything worth building will take time. At this point, couples would benefit from seeking support to build skills to help them navigate conflict. Gottman shares how the couple argues lays the foundation for the relationship's survival. Patterns of behaviors will become set and can make or break the relationship in stage 3. 

Stage 3: Building Commitment & Loyalty

In this stage, the couple harvests the fruits of their labor from stage 2. They can walk away with abundance and satisfaction or foster resentment, coming up short-handed. Couples must continue working on their communication in this phase and "turn towards" one another when a partner is reaching out. This stage is about deepening the connection they have with one another. If the relationship's harvest does not come out fruitful, this is primarily when couples seek outside support. When trust is not well established, couples cannot deepen their connection out of fear of vulnerability. 

However, all is not lost; relationships can change, adapt, and learn from what did not work. This requires teamwork in addressing behaviors and patterns that were established. Help from a therapist specializing in relationships can help address these concerns and help create the relationship you both seek. 

Movies rarely show the natural life progression of our relationships, yet we live them daily. Our guide should be to listen to ourselves about what feels right rather than what we see in movies and Instagram. Remember, movies and social media are only a small projection of the full-length feature that is our life. 

There cannot be good without the challenge; we cannot know what joy is without the sorrow. Life, in total, is about the light and dark we experience, and it is the best front-row seat you will get.

I'll see you next time. 

Courtney Gossel, MA, MFT, LCDCIII